Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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