Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
