she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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