I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
