My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
