The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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