I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
