It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
