whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Can I color on your dick again?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
