I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
