He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
