I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
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i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
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You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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