The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He? As in you personified your dick?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
