There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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