I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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