Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
