My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
