Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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