im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
