Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
