I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
