god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You need Xanax blowdarts
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
