just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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