I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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