The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
