you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Green mimosas i think yes
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We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
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I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.