So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Randomize
