Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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