Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
