U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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