I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
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