he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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