He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
