He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
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I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
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I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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