i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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