OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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