I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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