Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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