Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
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The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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