My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Damn victory sex feels great
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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