Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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