i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
