i'm signing you up for texting rehab
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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