I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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