Your face is a jimmy john
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
