Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I need water and some morals
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
