if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
