the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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