Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
