3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
