Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
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