Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
