So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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