LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
