can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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