Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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