yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
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