dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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