I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
