Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
