is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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